Journaling and the Search for God

Journaling and the Search for God
Fr. Dale Matson
07-16-10
The late Anglican Priest and author Morton Kelsey was a strong proponent of keeping a personal journal as a means of spiritual development. His book Adventure Inward: Christian Growth through Personal Journal Writing (1980) lays out several reasons for keeping a journal. They include personal historical continuity, enjoyment, creativity and the release of our imagination, help with decision making, therapy and the following idea. “If it is inner growth and self-knowledge which is one’s goal…this process is nearly impossible without journal keeping.” Additionally, he notes, “However, if I pursue the path of a relationship with God, then sooner or later I will use a journal for each of these other reasons as well.” In an interview I conducted with him at his home in Northern California in 1995, he reiterated that the journal was one of the most important means toward spiritual growth.
I began keeping a journal in 1994 and have reflections recorded daily for the past sixteen years. It is part of a commitment to a disciplined daily life. Each day begins at 4am with a devotional for each day of the year followed by the journal entries, then correspondence and finally physical exercise. It is a practice I take with me when I travel. I keep a small travel journal with pages that are later transferred to the annual spiral notebook journals. It is primarily a daily record keeping of the events of the previous day but includes dreams when I can remember them, tasks to be completed, ruminations and worries and concluding prayers that address the main worries. I have also employed what Fr. Kelsey would call active imagination where I dialogue with inner figures and outer figures. I have also written a considerable number of “portraits in prose” for many of the significant people in my life.
So what has happened over the last sixteen years? The journal is much like a camera that has taken photographs that I can review. I began in middle age with quite a confrontational and competitive style. There was territory to be conquered and defended, all for the sake of the ego. There were people who God continually used to challenge me to be more gracious toward including my sons. There was a hardened self righteousness about me. I was turned down in 2001 for the Diaconate by the Commission on Ministry. Perhaps it was a metastasized ego at the time. My primary emotions were fear and anger, well disguised of course. Some of the change is probably due to tincture of time. However, God has been growing the fruits of the Spirit in me also. There is less anxiety, fear, anger and resentment. There is more compassion, patience and contentment.
The journal is one of the most significant things that God has used to help me to find the Jesus part of me and to accept those parts of myself that are weak and unattractive. Those parts must be accepted because they cannot be hidden. They are our thorn in the flesh. There has been major healing for me along the way and in a mystical way; those around me have been helped to some extent also. Sometimes I consider stopping the journaling and destroying them but God is not finished and uses this process to help me. It is like the low dose aspirin I take daily. Unlike Mother Teresa, the church does not own my journals and thankfully they will be destroyed when I die. Unlike her, many of my comments could not bear the light of day.
I would hope that those that read this would consider a journal for themselves. It is time well spent and a good investment in a more whole and holy life. Amen.