Bishop’s Note: Rite of Holy Matrimony The Exchange of Vows

Bishop Eric Menees

I pray that this Bishop’s Note finds you well and staying healthy. Last week in the Bishop’s Note we talked about the lessons and sermon during Holy Matrimony. Today we get to the heart of the sacrament, the marriage or exchange of vows. We may not often think of it that way, but marriage is a covenant between the husband and wife. By covenant we mean a mutual agreement between two parties, like we see between Abraham and God in Genesis and Moses and God in Exodus. That covenantal relationship is especially highlighted by the prophet Hosea who used his marriage as a way of illustrating God’s relationship with Israel. At the heart of the covenant is that mutual agreement, and we see that in the exchanging of vows. This is in a sense the core and principal part of the sacrament. All sacraments are as St. Augustine says, “an outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace.” The inward and spiritual grace is the couple being joined as one and God’s blessing and strengthening of that bond. The outward and visible sign isn’t the ring, or the kiss of peace, it’s this exchange of vows. The priest isn’t the celebrant here like he is during the Eucharist, the priest is a witness who later blesses the marriage.

The Man, facing the Woman and taking her right hand in his, says In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death, according to God’s holy Word. This is my solemn vow. Then they loose their hands, and the Woman, still facing the Man, takes his right hand in hers, and says In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death, according to God’s holy Word. This is my solemn vow.

Understanding this exchange of vows as a covenant made before God underscores the importance and permanence of what’s being done here. This isn’t a hastily made promise to just live with someone, this is a vow that as long as you two live you will strive and work for the other’s good above your own. That’s what love is, not merely a desire for something or an emotional response, love is willing the good of the other. This covenant isn’t undone by sickness, or bankruptcy, or a mutual lack of interest, this is a covenant that’s only ended by the death of one of the parties. When it comes to the Sacrament of Marriage, our married life should be grounded in these vows and we should take time to remember them and what it is we vowed. That’s especially important in those tougher times when we may be tempted to break those vows. If we do so we’re not only harming our spouse, we’re also breaking a promise we’ve made to God.