Fr. Dale Matson
I have been meeting with male friends nearly every Thursday
morning for coffee and conversation followed by a bike ride for almost 20
years. These men have been active in multiple sports and most are competitive
in their respective age groups. I will be 70 years old soon and am the youngest
member of the group.
As we go around the table there is the usual “organ recital”
of medical complaints. Most have had lesser forms of Cancer, heart
irregularities, strokes and other maladies. We are all dying in bits and pieces
and it is accelerated in the later years.
I had a link with one member john (not his real name) not
shared by the others in the group. He spent two years as a novice in a Trappist
Monastery. He and I both had a real affinity for the writing of Thomas Merton
who was also a Trappist Monk. John eventually left the order because the
experience was too austere for him. We sometimes got into side conversations
about his experiences in the monastery while the main table talk moved along in
another direction. Although he left the monastery, it never left him. He was
well along in conversion of manners and a humble man with a gentle demeanor.
Sadly for me, he had given up on his Catholic faith but perhaps there was
still faith. As a social worker, he spent the last years of his career helping
in the Central California Women’s Facility in Chowchilla.
About a year ago John fell off his bike while riding with
our group on the usual route. He complained of muscle weakness, fatigue and
dizziness and was helped back on his bicycle. It appeared to be some kind of
ataxia. John continued to ride but each ride was slower and shorter than the
previous ride. He seemed almost matter of fact about his problems. I noticed that
he let his hair grow grey. I didn’t realize he had been coloring it before
this.
He was divorced with a daughter that he rarely discussed. He
had a female friend but never talked about their relationship. He kept his
private life to himself. He became more serious the last few months and it made
sense to me that he would be this way. He was willing to discuss his
infirmities and it bothers me that we didn't ask him more about his problems.
Some of us are more willing to impose the excruciating details of the medical
interventions on the group at the drop of a hat. I believe he was dropping into
a deep depression.
Last Thursday he came on his bike but said he would only be
riding it back home. He would not be riding with the group. He said “I won't be
riding my bike anymore.” Little did we realize the deeper meaning in that
statement.
I don't know the exact diagnosis or the course of his
illness but it was chronic, progressive and the outcome was death. For some
reason, I thought that down the road, I would be visiting him in the latter
stages of his illness. It was not to be.
Today another member said that John had committed suicide
last Saturday. We don't know the details but was dead when he was discovered,
either by a friend or daughter. I believe, knowing him that he did not want to
be a burden to others in his last days. In this sense I do not see it as a selfish act. Part of his difficulty was that he was
formerly so active. His quality of life had dropped from much higher
functioning than most. He was not a couch potato. He saw his quality of life
ebbing away and his dignity being dissolved.
As a crisis intervention worker thirty years ago I received
lots of calls from people who were despondent and wanted to be talked out of
killing themselves. With John we did not suspect that he had planned to do
this. There may have been signals but we did not see them.
I do not believe as a Christian that our lives belong to us
and that we should take our own lives. I prayed over him outside a month ago
and he thanked me. I pray that God will receive him in His grace and mercy.
RIP.
