Suffering With Jesus

Fr. Dale Matson

When I was 11, I walked into an operating room, was held down and forced to go to sleep with ether for a tonsillectomy. It was a dying of sorts. The Surgeon had just finished another tonsillectomy and his surgical gown was full of blood as I walked with him into the operating room. When I awakened I was very sick and vomited several times. As I think back on it today, I have a sense for how Jesus anticipated His Own death in the Garden of Gethsemane.

39 And He came out and proceeded as was His custom to the Mount of Olives; and the disciples also followed Him. 40 When He arrived at the place, He said to them, “Pray that you may not enter into temptation.” 41 And He withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and He knelt down and began to pray, 42 saying, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.” 43Now an angel from heaven appeared to Him, strengthening Him. 44 And being in agony He was praying very fervently; and His sweat became like drops of blood, falling down upon the ground (Luke 22: 39-44). I know that He understands my suffering, now as I try to adjust to several kinds of high blood pressure medication. There is so much anxiety.

In addition to being held down and forced to go to sleep, a week later we were at our cabin and I began to throw up blood. My dad put me in the car with a wastebasket. My mom said, “You’ll stop bleeding.” I said, “Yes, when there is nothing left to bleed.”  My dad drove 40 miles to the hospital in Royal Oak. Fortunately, I fell asleep on the way. I had stopped bleeding by the time we got to the emergency room. The doctor looked me over, gave me an aspirin and my dad drove home.

I’m sure this would be called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD) today. It is being scared far beyond your ability to cope and serves as the prototype that magnifies and makes worse all future threatening situations. It makes you a fearful anxious person.  It was a long summer for this 11-year-old worrying about heaven, death, angels and the afterlife. I could not be consoled. Suffering is so much a part of life for so many who have had this kind of trauma.

What have I learned in all of this? God is the ever-present reasonable voice inside my head, being patient, thinking rationally, not judging me. He can calm down the panicky child inside my head and just hang in there with me. He’s been there too. Jesus help me keep it together for my sake and the sake of others who are scared also.